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  • Writer's pictureDr. EL March

Are you in love with idea of being in love?

This is the question I asked someone who was getting in and out of relationships/encounters that felt like “the real thing” often. I must say that she was brave and honest enough with herself to answer “yes” to the question. Being honest with yourself is a major step in achieving and manifesting what you desire in life. So now let’s look into why we do things like this and whether or not this is something that will work for us or against us.

It can be an interesting position to find yourself in. For one thing, you get to observe firsthand how a person can have intense feelings towards you despite the fact that they have, in fact, mistaken you for someone else. You are yourself, and yet perhaps they want you to be much more like their father than you could ever be while remaining true to your nature. Sometimes, they might even want you to be like Brad Pitt, or some other fictional or famous person. The fact that you are not — and fundamentally you are not — the person they want you to be seems to have little or no effect whatsoever on the intensity of their feelings for you. They will see you as they would like to.

Of course, the intensity of our feelings for each other is by no means a sure footed sign we are “in love” with each other. Nor is the fact our feelings developed suddenly. And neither is the fact our feelings may seem mutual. An infatuation with our ideas of each other could feel just as intense, develop just as suddenly, and be just as mutual.

According to research reported in Scientific American Mind, about half of first marriages fail in the U.S., as do two thirds of second marriages and three quarters of third marriages. Unfortunately this is due to this kind of falling in love. This kind of love brings about a whole lot of expectation with it. It’s not just the expectations themselves that are the problem. The very fact that things work out so differently from the way people expect suggests that they don’t really know their partners.

People who are more in love with love—or more in love with the idea of “getting” or “being” married—are the ones most vulnerable to disappointed expectations. I am a believer in the fact that the root miscalculation in so many disappointed marriages lies in placing the idea of love itself (or the notion of getting married) above the reality of being with a particular person.

Frankly, some of the happiest couples I’ve seen are people who wouldn’t dream of getting married, or for whom marriage is simply a byproduct of their love, not a fundamental cause. Either they never get married, or they do so only after a long period of time when circumstances make it rational.

There’s certainly nothing inherently wrong with getting married and there are often good reasons for doing so. But if you’re in love with the idea of love for its own sake, then you’re subject to selecting a marital partner who’s other than what you really need or want. The hard lesson here: You cannot place the desire to be married, or merely to be part of a couple, above the desire to actually live your life with, and spend most of your time with, this particular person. It’s an actual, individual man or woman you love, not the idea of “marriage” or “love” itself.

Marriage is not a state of existence designed to validate you or bring you happiness. On the eve of your wedding, you don’t think (or, at least, I don’t feel it’s right to be thinking), “Tomorrow real happiness begins.” Nor should you be thinking, “Tomorrow I’ll be even happier.” You marry someone because they’re already worth marrying. You don’t marry because life without marriage is worthless. So you are basically happy before this whole thing happens. You are content in what you currently have and this is gravy.

Having said all that, on the emotional side and the manifestation of what you are really looking for, falling in love with the idea of being in love can be hindering where you might want to be. Why? When you are in love with the idea of being in love, that denotes and sends the frequency out that you are missing “being in love” hence anything will do to give you that feeling. You will see then that the Universe will provide you with multitude of people to fall in love with in the first encounter you have with them without actually leading you to happy endings. Why? It was not the happy ending you were looking for, it was the idea of being in love and you got that, now, next?

So you will find yourself often seemingly in love and not leading to any permanent relationships. Also wanting or longing for a partner in your life who is going to be fulfilling love and life-wise is just like wanting anything else in life. When you search for it diligently, the message is: “I don’t have it and I want it.” This message does not work for any kind of attraction why would it work for this particular case?

In getting what you want, in this case a good and loving relationship, first and foremost fall in love with life and yourself. Falling in love with yourself shows you that you are the only one you need. This opens the path for the right energy to be emanated and sent out and the right partner/love to show up.

Be the Light!


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